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To: You
From: Me

I wish you were here
To help me through
You not being here
I was there when you needed me
So where are you or did you flee
To be needed isn’t a big demand
Ask the Sun she would understand
Burning bright so she can warm this land

Why do I write down what I already know
It’s like closing my eyes when it’s dark
The damage has been done but I have to make my mark
I don’t care if it hurts I just want to have control
Quick and sharp, slow and dull
It’s not everyday that I manufacture pain
Put your finger on my pulse and feel the rhythm in my veins
Read my blood like it’s braille
And you can feel where we failed
Trace your finger down my body and be where you bailed
Where my blood turned to blue
Where you left me for someone new
Where you forgot about our plans
Where I put my head in my hands
Where I crawled inside my mind
Where you were mean and I was kind
Where you were the perpetrator
Because I
I am the narrator

I killed you off in the story
But I want to write you back in
You were just in a deep sleep
A medically induced sin
Wake up wake up
I’m the one who’s sick
Save me from myself
Are you listening to this
How much more directly can I speak to you
I’ll leave the next line empty so you can come to my rescue

Maybe if I read this again you’ll respond the next time
You’ll stop me from finishing and tell me I’m fine

I’m ok
I’m ok
I’m not ok
I’m ok with not being ok
Ok
Ok

I have to finish the story on my own
And do what I’ve always known
To let go to embrace the unknown

Because no one’s going to write these words for me
No one’s going to feel my feelings for me
Or complete me
Or defeat me
Or mistreat me
Or break me solve me and fix me

I think I addressed this wrong
This isn’t to you
It’s to me
I left me for someone else
I needed someone to need me so I can love myself
I know opposites attract
But I will always take me back

Love,
Me

Now that it’s spring
We take a trip to desert
To see the wildflower bloom

We go to thaw our winter blues
Arm in arm we look into endless views
And to feel the sun and take off our shoes

The days are getting longer
With more time to talk and ponder
With every gust of wind our hearts grow fonder

We are in an hourglass that is tipped over
In this empty space there is fullness
In our quiet faces there is stillness

The colors here are muted but there are so many of them
We just need to take the time to see
We just need to take the time to be

The beauty washes over us like sand
Because there is magic in this land

I have this feeling in my head
The kind of feeling that wants to be fed
But my stomach disagrees
You see
I have a hundred thousand butterflies
But none of them can cry
My head just spins and spins and spins
Circling and twisting and turning
A tornado stuck in place
I drill myself into the ground
Safe and sound
Where I won’t feel lost
Where I can’t be found

Beneath the surface
I bring with me what’s under my surface
Because this is something I need to face
Thinking that life is a test that I need to ace
Thinking that every problem is either wrong or right
That admitting I’m wrong can never be right
That winning an argument is all that matters, am I right?

With a shell on my back I escape into myself
Where no one can touch me
Where no one can hear me
Where no one can see me
Where no one can see me

What if instead of going inside of myself
I moved outside of myself
I know feelings are meant to be felt
But all I do is act
All I do is react
These feelings aren’t facts
I’m not trying to be abstract
I’m trying to make an impact

I don’t want it to be hard to be soft
I want that to be hard is to be soft
So I can bend and not break
So I can feel without hate
Can I learn this now
Or am I too late

Better late than never
It’s never too late to be better

Out goes the need for validation
In comes the self confirmation
Out goes the need for medication
In comes the practice of meditation
Out goes the victimization
In comes the positive vibration
Out goes the social isolation
In comes the emotional resuscitation
Out goes the breath
Out goes the self
In comes the breath
In comes the wealth
Out goes the breath
Out goes the fears
In comes the breath
In comes the tears
Out goes the breath
Out goes the violence
In comes the breath
In comes the silence

I dig myself out
Turning myself inside out
No more cages for this butterfly
I unbury my head and begin to cry

When you threw me into the fire
You starred me down so I could watch myself burn
Not one but two reflections
A me in each iris
The one you see
And the one you don’t

That other me
It weaves through my body like smoke
It was looking for an escape
I could imagine it leaving my pours
Like a runaway train
Pressing up and down my skin
I inhaled only to breathe it back in
My thoughts on repeat
I shrank
I darkened
Like a collapsing star
Pulling you in like time itself
I was trying to find my way back

When you threw me into the fire
You starred me down so I could watch myself burn

No

You starred me down because both of me
I was already on fire
I just needed to go away
Because like the stars
We think we need the darkness to be seen

You never have to prove to me how strong you are
In fact I could prove that you’re stronger than you are
I think I just don’t say it as much as I think it
And I know that knowing it is not the same as showing it
And seeing it is not the same as believing it
But believe me, I see it every single day
I feel it in way too many ways
Sometimes I just don’t know what to say

Nothing is enough when you’re not enough
And it’s tough to hear that you’re not tough
Especially from here from between your two ears
A space I can’t get between even after all these years

When did feeling weak become being weak?
When feeling is just facing yourself
It’s seeing that the self has no face
It’s looking back with a little bit of grace
It’s saying these words like you knew how it was paced
It’s fucking up the lines without wanting them erased
Control, alt, delete, cut, copy, and paste

You walk around dressing up what’s messed up
And confessing to receive some sort of blessing all while looking up
And supressing all of your subtle and silent obsessings until your fed up
Until your possessings no longer pose as progressings
I’m guessing that that smile is only half of what your expressing
You want to be impressing but you don’t need to impress me

You can keep knocking on these doors
Asking for what already is yours

You want to know how strong you are?
Think about how you’ve come so far
Yet you continue to set the bar…just out of reach
You say that’s where the lessons begin to teach
I’ll say it again I just don’t want to preach

You are so strong the weights lift you so they feel strong
I just want to be near you so I can feel strong
It’s like you have your own gravity and I’m just moving along

Before we speak
I empty myself
I harden my walls
I want to be the person you seek
A well to pitch your past into
You tell me about the body you had to fit into
Each time you pulled apart
You wondered
Which one of you was you
Each time your lips parted
I woundered
Could I be both of me
The passionate and the compassionate
Tell me
What’s behind that door
Number one, two, three, and four

You pull out stiches of daughter
I pull out buckets of shame

Within this time
Our garden grew
But the beans couldn’t climb
And the greens were blue
You could see the seeds inside our fruit
Like they were transparent
Like it’s apparent that your parents left you to inherit these impairments Like a rhyme that repeats
You are fine just put you head on my chest and listen to my heartbeats

Slow and steady
Only for you to hear
I am here
Even if you are there
In your head
Trying to get ahead
From yourself
But it always catches up
To bring
You
Down

But that’s just it
You can’t escape
All of this
Has given you shape
I don’t care what angles you have
Obtuse or acute
Sorry, I know you don’t like being called cute
I don’t care how many sides you have
I am on your side
You’re over the mountains by Big Pine
And I miss you all the time
But there will always be an invisible line
From blood orange to storm blue
Just give it a pull
Our colors combine and I will be with you

Today I went to class
There were no desks or textbooks
No lesson plan or teacher
But I did have a backpack
Clothing for when I got cold
Food for when I got hungry
And a few other personal items to help me pass through the day
I woke up early
Because there is no extra credit to make up for missing morning light
Nature is most active during these beginning hours
Something I take note of
It feels like a celebration to a new day
And to be alive to witness it

Instead of staring at a clock wondering why it’s moving so slowly
I sit by a river and let time go
I wish the current well as it flows by me
I think of its beginnings high up in the mountains
To its destination into the Pacific
And the in-between
Like a winding stroke of an artist’s paint brush
Flora and fauna accompany this ever moving blue
Like complimentary colors bleeding from the water bank
It reminds me of how if I just start something
The rest will follow
To move at whatever speed the path provides
A river does not know when it will be received and swallowed up by the ocean
So it shares its journey and enjoys every bend, waterfall, lake, rapid and peaceful drift
It accepts every confluence
And lets go at every delta
It welcomes fish to swim within and birds to wade a top
It knows that in every moment there is a moment of learning and therefore a moment of love

Our values outline us
Our stories shade us in
Our goals add color

Our dream is to be a work of art
And when we’re done
We must remain on a wall within a frame
Like a bowl of oranges

We see ourselves as permanent ink
Bleeding outside of the boundaries of nature
Immune from decay
Identities fossilized in amber

What if we were the paintbrush and not the painting
Giving ourselves to the work one bristle at a time
The colors we wore, always changing
With each chapter, we dip into the paint

On the contrary
If our identity were to be mere tracks on a path
Then we would be forced to walk backwards
Repeating history
Missing opportunities
Losing out on new views
Stumbling and getting in our own way

Let’s focus on the facts
We are just balls of light
Of energy
Wrapped up
Wanting to be torn open
Not for something tangible inside
But to be seen for our potential
To be loved for our existence
A gift that gives

The sun tries to tell us everyday
With her pilgrimage across the sky
Showing us
No matter how your shadow falls
It’s still yours

I walk along the shoreline as you push and pull across my feet
The cold bite of the air makes your breath warm and sweet
It travels up through my legs and out of my eyelashes
Each blink I see and feel just a little bit more
You cover my tracks so there’s nothing to look back at
Only the glow of the Moon ahead, across a silvery landscape
And golden sparks between my toes building a fire into my chest.